so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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