I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
