I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
