My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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