drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
