Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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