mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
