I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
