i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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