So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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