Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
