she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize