I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
