Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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