Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
