I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
