the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
