im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize