Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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