What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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