I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
