i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
