rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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