I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
