My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
