This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
