YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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