You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
