I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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