Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
