I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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