Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You're like the curious george of whores
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
