bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
