Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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