I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
