just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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