Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
