i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
