I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
