ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
