How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
