my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
