Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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