I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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