I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
