God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
