do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
