just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
