I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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