Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
