ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We need to get me chipped asap
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
