the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
