sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
