She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
