i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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