All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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