hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
