You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
