And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
