I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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