Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
