hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
