the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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