I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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