i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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