You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
