he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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