you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
