I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
one might say we're banned from that church
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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