Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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