The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
